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The New Normal

Dearly beloved we gather here today to talk about …..

why I am not married.

Wasn’t expecting that were you?

It’s always nice to meet strangers in public and with how adorable my daughter is trust me I get my handful of strangers stirring up a conversation . But whether you are a complete stranger…a co-worker or a dotting friend please don’t ask me why I am not married as a matter of fact don’t ask any mother why they aren’t married .

1) I really don’t know why I am not married

 2) this isn’t 1855 this is 2016 big whoop if he didn’t put a ring on it.

3) a ring doesn’t guarantee you shit!!! (#sorrynotsorry) even if I did have a ring that ring doesn’t stop him from cheating or walking away from his responsibility as a father. After having my daughter I think to myself  people should have children before they get married (hear me out!!). A child, a newborn baby will not only test you but it will test your relationship like you wont believe!! If you can overcome the first year of baby then your set!, at that point why not celebrate. After everything you go through in the first year of baby if your survive the first year ( which is the absolute toughest) at that point, yeah, get married you just passed the biggest test of life!

Let’s be frank sometimes things don’t come to us the way we had planned. That whole “first come love, then come marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage” doesn’t pan out that way for some of us. And for others we really don’t care to get married I mean once you live together and have a kid you’re technically married. It always puzzles me why people care to almost shame women especially women with children on why they aren’t married . It’s like breastfeeding vs formula feeding, people will always have their input on a topic that doesn’t concern them.  I personally think when it comes to women we always have something to tell them to make them feel even shittier. “Your 29 and no boyfriend? Don’t you want to get married and have kids” “Your 35 when are you going to have kids”. Yet no one is saying any of those things to men.

Then their are some women that are painfully reminded about the life they were supposed to have but didn’t. It’s bad enough that we are already hard on ourselves (after-all we are our worst critics). But if you had your life planned out a certain way and it didn’t  turm out that way, comments like “when is he going to propose” doesn’t make me or any one else feel any better. Its just a painful reminder that we screwed up…badly.

I was once approached by a stranger in which she commented on how adorable my daughter is. She also noticed their was no ring on my finger. And asked whether I was a single mother. This is where we should have done a full stop and stuck to the topic of how adorable my child is and not try to pry in my life I mean after all..do I know you? I informed her that both I and the child’s father are raising the child together. In which she responded make sure he puts a ring on it. I think as a society we hold so much pressure and accountability on the woman we have to rush to get married rush to have children and if we have children before we get that ring we are looked down upon. But nothing is said to the men who don’t marry their child’s mother. There already enough pressure as a women growing up we don’t need to feel less than or like an outcast ( or failure) we are already feeling that way as it is, we are our own worse enemy. Put yourself in our shoes how would that make you feel if someone said that to you. It doesn’t feel nice does it ? And plus its not like I don’t get that question asked by entourage. I get it enough from them I really don’t need it from a complete stranger.

Having a child is a blessing regardless of the situation. I will admit being a mother has made me put a lot of my life goals on hold but it has also forced me to become more mature and responsible. Now everything that I do is for my daughter. Whether its going back to school, or applying for better jobs or a promotion.  I do it all for her I want her to see that I can still do it all and still remain Mom.

So to those strangers , family and friends that need to constantly ask. Do us a favor and don’t. I think I can speak on behalf of those mother when I say its those comments are not cool nor wanted. And to my mothers who haven’t gotten that ring don’t let it get to you. Yes, it sucks and its a huge blow to the system  but it will happen when you least expect . Stay positive and it will happen.

-M-

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